After thirteen years of pastoral ministry, I have come to the conclusion that men are not always enthusiastic about discussing their marriage. I’ve seen guys more excited to get a root canal than come in for counseling with their wife.
As a pastor, I have had the privilege of speaking into the lives of couples preparing for marriage, couples trying to strengthen their marriage, and couples fighting to save their marriage. Sometimes this is incredibly rewarding, and other times, well, rather painful and heartbreaking. What I’ve noticed is that sometimes a woman or wife doesn’t always say what she’s really thinking. I understand. I get to go home after counseling, but a wife has to go home with the guy she’s just spilled the beans on.
Guys, while I know your wife is not perfect, there are things she wishes she could tell you that she might be too afraid to say. So in love, I thought I would say them for her. While I know every couple and situation is different, the following are three things your wife may want to tell you:
1. “Wake Up Spiritually”
I know that may sound or feel a little harsh. That’s why your wife won’t generally say it to you. Your wife is concerned that you yell like a Neanderthal when your favorite team is playing, but you are eerily silent in church. She knows that your marriage problems are a reflection of your greatest heart problem – apathy toward God. Your wife wants you to be fully alive for Jesus. She longs for you to love God with all your heart, soul, and strength. She desperately wants your heart to be gripped by the gospel, the good news that invites us into new life – real life. She concerned you’ve settled for less.
2. “Lead Our Family”
Many women carry heavy “backpacks.” They carry around with them the weight of being a godly spouse, mother, friend, and the list goes on. I know, I know, you do as well. You carry the weight of being a husband, father, provider, and the list goes on. What your wife would love to tell you is that when you skirt your responsibility to lead your family, you are loading up her “backpack” with rocks she wasn’t meant to carry. As a man, you were created by God to be a heavy lifter. God has not suggested you be spiritually responsible for your family, He has commanded you to be. Your wife wants you to lead because God wants you to lead. She wants you to put away your toys, turn off the computer, unplug the T.V. and get out of the garage. She is thankful you are a hard worker, but she wants you to know God has called you to be morally and spiritually responsible for your family. So lead!
3. “Love Me (for more than my body)”
Your wife wants you to want her, but for more than her body. She wants you to treasure her, fight for her, spend time with her, listen to her, and delight in her. She is concerned that your job or play outside of work has become more of a priority. When you’re home, she wants you to be fully home. Alive. Engaged. Present. You walked her down the aisle, but somewhere along the way, you stopped walking with her in joy and intimacy. She wants you to take the initiative to schedule a date, pick a restaurant, brush your teeth, comb your hair (if you have it) and take her out (without the kids). Don’t stop dating your wife. She wants your love, and yes, your romance too.
There, I said it. It’s better to hear it from me than your wife! Guys, God has given you all the resources you need in Christ to love your wife as He loved the Church. Praying that by His grace, He will give you the strength and wisdom to love and lead your family well.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” – Ephesians 5:25
Blessings, Pat
I have told my husband all of these things; he is serves the Lord and God uses him tremendously in
worshipping but as soon as he gets home same old
rutine. He tries for the first two days but after that he
goes back again. We need him as a family I need him as a leader.
Don’t be discouraged. God is faithful to do His work, in His way, and in His time. Keep praying and pursuing Jesus together – He’s promised to finish the work He’s started in each of us (Philippians 1:6). Keep pressing on in faithfulness to Jesus and your family. Blessings!
Excellent word, Pat! Thanks for your ministry and your faithful example.
Thanks Matt!
What a bunch of condemnation masquerading as encouragement. How about trying to understand what is behind the lack of desire to connect at church or choosing not to lead in the way mom demands. Why do men hide at work, engage in hobbies and friends or walk away from the church? Is it ALWAYS a one sided problem with the husband? Or is the pastor, the church community, or even the wife who demands that every man marches to the exact same drum of “suck it up, self-effort, godly leadership”?
Why would you say such a thing? Men need to wake up spiritually, lead their families, and love their wives. How can these be bad things?
I don’t NEED to do anything….but because of what Christ has done, I GET TO do all kinds of great things…including loving my wife, leading my family, and walking in sweet fellowship with my Creator.
Clearly by your username you bring a great deal of bias into your comment. I understand your frustration with the church. I, too, share in that frustration. However, blaming your mom, wife, church, pastor or anyone else for not being obedient to God’s plan for us as husbands misses the mark. We either embrace God’s Word or reject it – and in return reject Him. As a husband, I am required (not requested) to love my wife and lead my family. This article merely shares that principle and is a reminder of our calling as men in Christ.
“As a husband, I am required to love my wife and lead my family”??? Really? What about Titus 3:5-6; Romans 8:31-39; Galatians 3:1-4. Who has bewitched you into believing that there are some sort of “requirements” after salvation? It has nothing to do with rejecting God’s Word…it has everything to do with living as God’s children loved by Him without judgment without condemnation and without the religious requirements imposed by man and wielded by a the heavy hand of living a “godly life.” I am already righteous because of what Christ has done and there is now no condemnation or requirements to live by. There is only the joy of walking in the grace and truth of Jesus Christ in sweet fellowship with my Creator….and oh by the way…because of this sweet fellowship, I get to love my wife and lead my family.
Great! Then do it! Apply some of that sweet fellowship to your “pastor and church community” too!
Thank you. This is a wonderful article.