The pressing in on your lungs when fear has taken over and all you can imagine is the worst. This was me for years. And it was tearing me apart inside.
My wedding day was 26 years ago, and little did I know that I was bringing one of the worst pieces of luggage with me on this journey. This sacred bond of love, commitment and hard work till death do us part could be broken with my unwelcomed contribution.
I like to call it a premature death to two people that I called mom and dad. Husband and wife together until I was 12. And then they were apart. The impact of the words and bitterness and accusations that flew around our lives until the day that I, myself became a wife, had left a scar.
I didn’t even know I wasn’t capable of trusting.
Until I began to close off communication with my husband if something happened, or finding myself with a story as big as the Empire State Building that would cut more deeply than the actual offense.
I had lost my trust. Even before I married my man.
And now it was causing havoc in my marriage…every single time we had a small disagreement, it would turn into something that wasn’t really the problem from the beginning.
I made mountains out of molehills. I let it eat me up. I doubted and finger pointed and had forgotten how to forgive.
Because I was afraid. It would happen again.
And it seemed easier to put up a wall of fear rather than to build up the trust we had from the beginning.
It snuck up on me the first few times we had something go awry in our marriage. My reaction caught me off guard and I didn’t recognize it for what it was.
Fear turned into blame, which turned into broken trust.
I couldn’t trust blindly, I told myself. I could get hurt.
But when we reason around our fear, our heart makes excuses that are lies and we listen.
We become broken, fractured people that cannot trust. Because we cannot see the heart of the other person. We lose our ability to forgive and we hold onto every little thing until we do not remember where the fault began and know that it will never end.
Trust broken can be repaired, glued back together and beautiful once again. But we have to recognize that HE has the ability to make our hearts whole again.
Oh, the heart wrenching tears I have shed over my own part of not accepting an apology, or holding onto something for far too long.
I have seen the damage broken trust has on a marriage and the effects on the people that parted their ways. Fractured.
I have chosen to be whole, to submit my thoughts, my words, my actions and reactions to Jesus. The Healer of all things broken.
And this new vessel is creating a beautiful new corner in our marriage.
Oh, we think the little bit of our anger or frustration over a fault from our spouse may be justified.
Think again, before that little bit of justification defines you.
Trust is sacred.
I trust Jesus and my marriage is not broken. Fear has no place in the heart and it will bring you to ruin, take over your mind and fracture you into a million pieces.
Two become one. Unbroken.
Blessings,
September
How do you overcome it? I also came from a broken family and I find myself just waiting until he leaves me or hurts me or stops loving me. Or that he has horrible things to say about me but just doesnt and that maybe one day he’ll just let it all out. I assume he thinks badly of me in almost every way even though he never says anything like that nor does he ever imply it. He is a great man, I feel bad for everyone else because they aren’t married to him. 🙂 I just cant fully trust him. I want to but Im scared.
We’ve been married almost 16 years. I just cant get this figured out!!
Thank you for the article, I truly appreciate it.
Hi Mandy, my story is almost identical to September’s, except that I was abused as a small child and trust was non existent for me. I too have been married for 16 years and have so struggled with trust over last 5 years. I through Christ, have overcome because He has taught me so much and has carried me and healed me. But I learned things through revelation of the Holy Spirit by prayer and fasting (a meal or two at a time, not entire days). My thoughts were clearer and I heard God clearly. Something that helped me was this that I wrote in my diary “I will thrive where God has planted me, spiritually and physically.
Others do what they need to do (husband) but I don’t need to let them define my dreams and God given abilities. Their progress or lack of it does not need to hold me back. I don’t need to live my life through them, because that causes me to place unrealistic expectations on them.” I realised I was too dependent on what he thought about me. It helped me to stand, and be happy and confident with who I am. It released the grip I had on him in my mind, that I was scared of rejection by him and so distrusted what he was doing while I wasn’t with him. I let him go in my mind, and stood confident holding the Lord’s hand. I realised that this was more attractive to a man anyway. So he is happier and more attentive to me. Distrust speaks loudly unfortunately, and they feel judged. But I can trust my husband more now because I realise he is a good man. He has struggles with confidence too and I have come to be more understanding and empathetic. “A good man wants his wife’s heart. He wants relationship. He wants unity – not only of body but unity of spirit. He wants to be one with his wife and he wants her to desire to be one with him.”
I trust God with our marriage and pray daily for unity and greater oneness. God loves each of us, and has a special work for each of us to do.
This verse helped me too,
Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. – Luke 6:38. I’m trying to be more of a giver. It encourages feelings of empathy, nurture, and caring. Rather than expectation in our relationship.
God is making music with each marriage when we trust Him and pray.
Blessings,
Katherine
Thank you for your story September! Blessings to you,
Katherine Webster
Needed to add, September, that I quoted Matthew L Jacobson in his story “He Wants Far More Than You Think” on good men. Just needed to reference the quote I put in my story. Thanks so much,
Katherine