The pressing in on your lungs when fear has taken over and all you can imagine is the worst. This was me for years. And it was tearing me apart inside.
My wedding day was 26 years ago, and little did I know that I was bringing one of the worst pieces of luggage with me on this journey. This sacred bond of love, commitment and hard work till death do us part could be broken with my unwelcomed contribution.
I like to call it a premature death to two people that I called mom and dad. Husband and wife together until I was 12. And then they were apart. The impact of the words and bitterness and accusations that flew around our lives until the day that I, myself became a wife, had left a scar.
I didn’t even know I wasn’t capable of trusting.
Until I began to close off communication with my husband if something happened, or finding myself with a story as big as the Empire State Building that would cut more deeply than the actual offense.
I had lost my trust. Even before I married my man.
And now it was causing havoc in my marriage…every single time we had a small disagreement, it would turn into something that wasn’t really the problem from the beginning.
I made mountains out of molehills. I let it eat me up. I doubted and finger pointed and had forgotten how to forgive.
Because I was afraid. It would happen again.
And it seemed easier to put up a wall of fear rather than to build up the trust we had from the beginning.
It snuck up on me the first few times we had something go awry in our marriage. My reaction caught me off guard and I didn’t recognize it for what it was.
Fear turned into blame, which turned into broken trust.
I couldn’t trust blindly, I told myself. I could get hurt.
But when we reason around our fear, our heart makes excuses that are lies and we listen.
We become broken, fractured people that cannot trust. Because we cannot see the heart of the other person. We lose our ability to forgive and we hold onto every little thing until we do not remember where the fault began and know that it will never end.
Trust broken can be repaired, glued back together and beautiful once again. But we have to recognize that HE has the ability to make our hearts whole again.
Oh, the heart wrenching tears I have shed over my own part of not accepting an apology, or holding onto something for far too long.
I have seen the damage broken trust has on a marriage and the effects on the people that parted their ways. Fractured.
I have chosen to be whole, to submit my thoughts, my words, my actions and reactions to Jesus. The Healer of all things broken.
And this new vessel is creating a beautiful new corner in our marriage.
Oh, we think the little bit of our anger or frustration over a fault from our spouse may be justified.
Think again, before that little bit of justification defines you.
Trust is sacred.
I trust Jesus and my marriage is not broken. Fear has no place in the heart and it will bring you to ruin, take over your mind and fracture you into a million pieces.
Two become one. Unbroken.