Am I Good Enough When I Fail?
Can I just be honest?
I have worked really hard over the years to do motherhood well. I have read books, made frugal and wise decisions, cooked healthy meals for my family, and maintained some sense of rhythm and order in my home. I have created home management binders, scheduled my children down to 30-minute intervals, gone to conferences, invested in chore charts, and taught myself (and them) how to bake bread.
There have been seasons when some of those activities have worked well. And there have been LOTS of times when I could not seem to pull off a well-run house, properly behaved children, or delicious and appetizing meals no matter how hard I tried.
Sometimes I just straight up fail.
So, on behalf of all the women who have had great moments of failure in their parenting, their careers, or in their personal relationships, I will walk to the front of the room, grab the microphone and announce to the world:
Hello. My name is Chrystal. I believe that, for the most part, I am a doing the best that I can. And sometimes, I fail.
Case in point:
In my ongoing struggle with the #fatdemon, I have a membership at the gym near our home. I normally spend about 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, then migrate to the recumbent bike, where I read for 20 minutes while keeping my heart rate a tad elevated. Then, I come back home, shower, and have a few precious moments of quiet.
Then the day begins.
And the plates begin to spin.
Many days, I can keep them spinning. More days than I’d care to mention, they all come crashing down.
And there was this one series of mornings where plates had stopped spinning one by one and I just did not have the energy to pick them up and give them a whirl.
I didn’t care. I didn’t care that we were eating the same three or four meals over and over again. I didn’t care that the house was in chaos. I had no desire to keep up with my homeschool schedule or my home management binder. No chores were done, there was no order, and the bread — well I don’t think there was any bread — homemade or otherwise.
I just needed a break. So, I decided to go to the gym.
Well, I decided to go the gym…kind of.
I packed a change of clothes, my toiletry bag, and a towel. I woke the kids and told them we were going on a surprise ride. They joyously came running out of their room, still donned in their pajamas, and went sock free into tennis shoes before jumping into the car.
We ALL drove to the gym.
I marched in nonchalantly at 9:00am, signed in, then proceeded to take my kids to the gym’s kids club. They were excited beyond belief to have this wacky morning experience and were pleased to have random playtime replace regular school time. They ran in to the fun zone as I ran out the other way and shut the door behind me.
Then…did I go to the elliptical? No.
What about the recumbent bike? Nope.
Did I try something new like a class or the stair climber? Absolutely not.
I went to the locker room, dug a book out of my bag, sat down on the comfiest chair I could find and read. Instead of a half hour on the elliptical, I spent 30 minutes on my behind enjoying the kid-free, good life in the locker room of the gym. After that, I took a fabulously long hot shower, primped in the mirror, searched for gray hair to pluck and escaped the realities of my life.
A full 90 minutes later, I emerged from the locker room with not one calorie burned, or muscle fatigued, but with my sanity intact. I felt like a new woman. I picked up my children from the kids club and went home to slowly and selectively pick up plates and start spinning just one or two again.
Do real life, seeking-to-be-godly-women have days like this? Well, not the godly women I’ve envisioned.
So does that mean I’m not her?
Does that mean I’m not a good wife, mom, or worthy individual?
Does that man I’m not a godly woman?
Does that mean I’m not a Proverbs 31 woman?
Does that mean I’m not a Kingdom woman?
Am I a Kingdom woman when I struggle? Am I Kingdom Woman when I need a break? Am I Kingdom woman if I admit that I’m tired and need to make room to breathe? Am I a Kingdom woman when I fail?
Maybe you are asking yourself that same question.
Well, as the self-proclaimed leader of the “Kingdom Woman Fail Club” I declare to you this day: You can be a Kingdom Woman when you struggle.
You can be a godly woman, Proverbs 31 woman, or a woman who is simply “enough”.
Just don’t give up the fight. Keep going and doing your best to move forward.
It’s okay to take a break. Just don’t break for too long. Stop. Gather yourself together. Then get back to work.
It’s okay to be tired. We all get tired. Rebalance your priorities. Learn to say no.
Then, figure out which plates God never asked you to spin (like maybe making bread and having kids scheduled in 30-minute intervals), let them go and then … B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
You can be a Kingdom woman even when you feel like, in a moment or two, you “fail”.
Simply take the lickin’ and keep on tickin’.
Hi Chrystal, i enjoyed reading your post. Sometimes I feel this way too. thank God for his promise over our lives. Failing for me means God is teaching me a lesson in patience and diligence. when we give up it means we have stopped believing in the one who has called us.
thank you for your post.
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