Sometimes as wives we’re waiting for a miracle in our marriage to occur.
We’re waiting for our husband to give us that one thing that we’re sure will fill our soul in the ways we so desperately need.
Can you relate? Are you waiting for “that thing” too in your marriage?
Friend, I want to share how waiting for the miracle often brings the miracle we’re so earnestly seeking.
My husband and I have a good marriage. We’ve never had big problems and we rarely argue.
But that doesn’t mean that things are perfect and that I don’t long for more sometimes.
After sixteen years of knowing my husband, I can say without any doubt that he is the very definition of the strong and steady type. He’s faithful, hard working and good—three traits that I treasure about him.
But he’s also quiet—in many ways, too quiet for me—and in some areas of our marriage, somewhat passive.
And honestly? His quiet nature has been a huge hurdle for me to overcome.
Forcing the Miracle to Happen in Our Marriage
My soul is fed by deep conversation and intentional time together. So, I often find myself wishing that my husband responded in a certain way when I say something; or that, sometimes, he even responded at all.
So in the early years of our marriage, I told him about this. A lot.
And I was frustrated. A lot.
I knew that he loved me deeply. But in my mind, I felt our marriage could be so much better if he just loved me in this way.
I felt that it was my job to tell him how to love me and to almost demand it, especially during the times when my soul felt especially depleted.
But here was the most difficult part.
My husband—the good, teachable man that he is—would nod his head and agree that the change needed to happen.
So my soul would get excited and anticipatory: Yes! This was the moment! The miracle that would make us have a perfect marriage was about to occur! My heart would soar at the possibility.
But then came the crushing blow: I would see a slight change (hallellujah!), and then a slow petering off to normal again.
And all too quickly I was back in the situation I was before—feeling mostly-but-not-quite fulfilled by our marriage.
Except this time my heart was a little more jaded and weary. And I found myself ripe for disillusionment, disappointment and even at risk for an emotional affair.
The Crossroads: Could I Be Content in Marriage Without the Miracle?
I finally realized that enduring this cycle over and over was extremely hard on me (and not good for our marriage).
It created a horrible pass-fail mentality of my beloved husband, and I hated feeling like that because I knew he really was such a good man who did love me (but had difficulty showing it).
I knew that I had to take a new perspective on all that I was feeling—my lack of contentment, my disappointment, my sadness for what “could be” and wasn’t—or the consequences could be disastrous.
I was facing a crossroads: Should I harden my heart and build walls, or was there a way to reframe and accept the circumstances with joy?
Facing the Truth and Finally Discovering Our Marriage Miracle
I loved my husband profusely, and knew that our marriage was the pivotal foundation of everything in our lives. I also knew that our kids’ sense of security and their future views of marriage could be shaped by my decisions about how to handle this issue.
Was risking all of that worth my need to be fulfilled in this way by my husband? Was it going to solve anything by being angry at him, by withholding my love or by treating him coldly?
I went to several scriptures that, over time, changed me (John 15:13, 1 Cor 13, Eph 4:2-3, Phil 4:8).
And even with all these great reasons fueling me toward the right choice, the biggest reason of all was staring me in the face:
Fifteen years before, I’d stood before my family, my friends and the creator of the universe and pledged wholeheartedly that I’d do everything in my power to always love this man unconditionally.
I’d promised “to love and to cherish from this day forward, in good times and in bad.” I’d promised “‘till death do us part.”
I decided that although my emotions and my needs were real, the miraculous change of acceptance needed to happen in me before anything else occurred.
This was the wonderful man that God had given me, and I needed to accept him as-is (as God accepted him). As his wife, my job wasn’t to change him or “make” him love me in the way I wanted. True love gives and does not demand (1 Cor 13:4-7).
I also realized that my soul needed to be completely filled up by God first so that I could love my husband the way I was supposed to.
Making these changes has been an ongoing process, and honestly, it’s one that’s still happening in me.
But these decisions are the ones that have put our marriage on the road to healing.
4 Things to Do When You’re Waiting for the Miracle
Accept Your Husband—All of Him—And Love Him As-Is. Marriage isn’t about changing our spouse into what we want them to be. Yes, marriage can be richly pleasurable, but ultimately, it’s not about getting what we want. Instead it’s about having the opportunity to love someone as God loves them. That can be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth that will set your marriage free.
Let the Truth About Your Husband Guide Your Thoughts. It’s so tempting to slip into despair and accusatory thoughts about him. All the “he should” and “I deserve” thoughts seem to violently flare and we don’t want to think about anything good he is doing. And yet, we must, must, must fix our eyes on the good things he is doing because our thoughts determine our ultimate view of him. Having a negative view of your husband will never bring the healing you seek. Never.
Choose to Let God Fill in the Broken Places. While it’s not bad to have a desire for more in marriage, we must accept that our spouses will always be imperfect this side of heaven and that marriage was not designed to meet all of our human needs. Let God fill in those places where you need extra love. He is real, He is here and He is ready to listen and to heal.
Wait for God’s Version of the Miraculous Change to Come. Believe that the miracle will happen, because it will. However, look for the miracle to come in an unexpected package (and to not be what you expect). Often the change may not happen in him. It may happen in you.
Dear friend, I pray that, as you allow God to speak to your heart about your husband, you can discover a beautiful miracle like this in your marriage too!
With Love and Hope!