Waiting for the Miracle in Your Marriage
Sometimes as wives we’re waiting for a miracle in our marriage to occur.
We’re waiting for our husband to give us that one thing that we’re sure will fill our soul in the ways we so desperately need.
Can you relate? Are you waiting for “that thing” too in your marriage?
Friend, I want to share how waiting for the miracle often brings the miracle we’re so earnestly seeking.
My husband and I have a good marriage. We’ve never had big problems and we rarely argue.
But that doesn’t mean that things are perfect and that I don’t long for more sometimes.
After sixteen years of knowing my husband, I can say without any doubt that he is the very definition of the strong and steady type. He’s faithful, hard working and good—three traits that I treasure about him.
But he’s also quiet—in many ways, too quiet for me—and in some areas of our marriage, somewhat passive.
And honestly? His quiet nature has been a huge hurdle for me to overcome.
Forcing the Miracle to Happen in Our Marriage
My soul is fed by deep conversation and intentional time together. So, I often find myself wishing that my husband responded in a certain way when I say something; or that, sometimes, he even responded at all.
So in the early years of our marriage, I told him about this. A lot.
And I was frustrated. A lot.
I knew that he loved me deeply. But in my mind, I felt our marriage could be so much better if he just loved me in this way.
I felt that it was my job to tell him how to love me and to almost demand it, especially during the times when my soul felt especially depleted.
But here was the most difficult part.
My husband—the good, teachable man that he is—would nod his head and agree that the change needed to happen.
So my soul would get excited and anticipatory: Yes! This was the moment! The miracle that would make us have a perfect marriage was about to occur! My heart would soar at the possibility.
But then came the crushing blow: I would see a slight change (hallellujah!), and then a slow petering off to normal again.
And all too quickly I was back in the situation I was before—feeling mostly-but-not-quite fulfilled by our marriage.
Except this time my heart was a little more jaded and weary. And I found myself ripe for disillusionment, disappointment and even at risk for an emotional affair.
The Crossroads: Could I Be Content in Marriage Without the Miracle?
I finally realized that enduring this cycle over and over was extremely hard on me (and not good for our marriage).
It created a horrible pass-fail mentality of my beloved husband, and I hated feeling like that because I knew he really was such a good man who did love me (but had difficulty showing it).
I knew that I had to take a new perspective on all that I was feeling—my lack of contentment, my disappointment, my sadness for what “could be” and wasn’t—or the consequences could be disastrous.
I was facing a crossroads: Should I harden my heart and build walls, or was there a way to reframe and accept the circumstances with joy?
Facing the Truth and Finally Discovering Our Marriage Miracle
I loved my husband profusely, and knew that our marriage was the pivotal foundation of everything in our lives. I also knew that our kids’ sense of security and their future views of marriage could be shaped by my decisions about how to handle this issue.
Was risking all of that worth my need to be fulfilled in this way by my husband? Was it going to solve anything by being angry at him, by withholding my love or by treating him coldly?
I went to several scriptures that, over time, changed me (John 15:13, 1 Cor 13, Eph 4:2-3, Phil 4:8).
And even with all these great reasons fueling me toward the right choice, the biggest reason of all was staring me in the face:
Fifteen years before, I’d stood before my family, my friends and the creator of the universe and pledged wholeheartedly that I’d do everything in my power to always love this man unconditionally.
I’d promised “to love and to cherish from this day forward, in good times and in bad.” I’d promised “‘till death do us part.”
I decided that although my emotions and my needs were real, the miraculous change of acceptance needed to happen in me before anything else occurred.
This was the wonderful man that God had given me, and I needed to accept him as-is (as God accepted him). As his wife, my job wasn’t to change him or “make” him love me in the way I wanted. True love gives and does not demand (1 Cor 13:4-7).
I also realized that my soul needed to be completely filled up by God first so that I could love my husband the way I was supposed to.
Making these changes has been an ongoing process, and honestly, it’s one that’s still happening in me.
But these decisions are the ones that have put our marriage on the road to healing.
4 Things to Do When You’re Waiting for the Miracle
Accept Your Husband—All of Him—And Love Him As-Is. Marriage isn’t about changing our spouse into what we want them to be. Yes, marriage can be richly pleasurable, but ultimately, it’s not about getting what we want. Instead it’s about having the opportunity to love someone as God loves them. That can be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth that will set your marriage free.
Let the Truth About Your Husband Guide Your Thoughts. It’s so tempting to slip into despair and accusatory thoughts about him. All the “he should” and “I deserve” thoughts seem to violently flare and we don’t want to think about anything good he is doing. And yet, we must, must, must fix our eyes on the good things he is doing because our thoughts determine our ultimate view of him. Having a negative view of your husband will never bring the healing you seek. Never.
Choose to Let God Fill in the Broken Places. While it’s not bad to have a desire for more in marriage, we must accept that our spouses will always be imperfect this side of heaven and that marriage was not designed to meet all of our human needs. Let God fill in those places where you need extra love. He is real, He is here and He is ready to listen and to heal.
Wait for God’s Version of the Miraculous Change to Come. Believe that the miracle will happen, because it will. However, look for the miracle to come in an unexpected package (and to not be what you expect). Often the change may not happen in him. It may happen in you.
Dear friend, I pray that, as you allow God to speak to your heart about your husband, you can discover a beautiful miracle like this in your marriage too!
With Love and Hope!
Thanks for this post. I needed it today.
Laura… thank you for your honesty. So many of us go through these seasons, so it’s important that we encourage each other through them!
What a way to start my day. Your sharing made me realized so many things about being married to my husband and being a wife to him. At this point of our marriage,I am also looking or should I say, praying for a miracle to happen. But, as i have said, reading this melted my heart with the realization that the miracle that i’ve been praying for should come from me, too. Thank you so much for your message. May God bless us and all the wives who are seeking for miracles to happen NOW.
Hi there! I’m so glad that the post blessed you and allowed you to see your marriage in a fresh new way. Praying right now that God would give you patience and wisdom on how to discover that miracle (and your part in changing). Hang in there!
Great post! I needed to hear this and it’s nice to not feel alone in those thoughts.
Thank you for posting this.
Hi Ivy! Thank you so much for your honesty! You are not alone! Hang in there and ask God to show you how He may want you to change in your marriage in order to get to that place of healing that you’re seeking.
This could not have come across my news feed at a better time. Thank you so much for this!
God’s timing is so awesome, isn’t it?! Love hearing that. I’m so glad that the post blessed you!
Yes! This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you!
Jen, thank you for sharing! I’m so glad that you were encouraged by the post.
This is EXACTLY what I needed. Thanks so much.
Wonderful, Tammy! It blesses me to hear this! Hang in there and continue to look to Him to guide you through this aspect of your marriage!
I am gonna save this and read regularly, we are on the edge of breaking up, it’s been the worse year of our lives, please be praying…. And I will take heed of this message. X thank u xx
Oh, Charlotte… my heart breaks reading your message! I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I would highly encourage you to pour your heart out to God during this time and to ask Him for what He wants your next steps to be… and then pray for the courage to take them! He cares about you and your marriage. I also pray that you can find a trusted friend in real life to share your heart with. That can make all the difference as well. I am praying for you right now and will continue to pray!
Thank you ever so much!! I really needed to hear that. Spot on for me too!! May God bless your marriage in abundance!! With love.
Paula, thank you for sharing this. This was one of the more “raw” pieces that I’ve written, but I felt in my heart that God wanted me to share my story and what He’s been doing, so I did. It blesses me tremendously to hear that it was just what you needed to hear. And thank you for the blessing on my marriage! Earlier this month, we just celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary. 🙂
Thank you for this. Unfortunately for me, I did go down the path of an emotional affair. About 3 years ago I was convinced that my husband was to blame because he did not meet my emotional needs. This other man was my confidant. Nothing physical happened and that wasn’t what I was seeking. Nevertheless, it blew apart my world. My husband was destroyed at my betrayal. It is so sad that it took my incredibly selfish act to see the depth of his love for me. We will celebrate our 20th anniversary, but the damage I did lingers. Let this be a cautionary tale for others.
Anna, I so appreciate your honesty and transparency here. It is so easy for us to fall into this trap, and very few people are willing to talk about this. I wanted to share these two guest posts written on my site Your Vibrant Family as something to continue this topic:
How I Almost Had An Affair: http://yourvibrantfamily.com/having-an-affair-the-other-woman/
5 Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair: http://yourvibrantfamily.com/warning-signs-emotional-affair/
My prayer is that these continue this important conversation about guarding our marriages against an affair!
And I’m so glad to hear that you were able to work it out with your husband!
This post has really blessed me tonight. I don’t have anyone to talk to but Jesus about my marriage. The way you expressed your experiences and your encouragement and hope has truly been an answer to prayer. May your marriage continue to be a blessing not only for you and your husband but for us all X
Sher, thank you, thank you for your words here. I am so glad to hear that you were blessed by my words, and it thrills me to hear that God used what I’ve experienced to encourage you! And thank you for your blessings on my marriage! Truly appreciate that. Blessings to you today, friend, as you continue to seek Him for how to serve your husband in your marriage. XOXO
I just found your blog through Pinterest! Your words really meant something to me! I feel like so many questions i had in the back of my mind about accepting differences between my boyfriend and i have been answered. I’m amazed by your wisdom and grace. Thank you for writing this!
Hi Maddie! Wonderful to meet you and to hear your story! I’m thrilled to hear that God used what I wrote to help you figure out these differences between you and your boyfriend. How awesome! I’d love for you to check out my own site YourVibrantFamily.com for more encouragement (I am a guest writer for For the Family). Blessings to you as you seek God involvement and wisdom for your relationships!
Thank you!!
This is exactly the season that we our in in our 12th year of marriage. Described to a T!!
I really needed this shift of focus and perspective.
I only wish I had started realizing that the change of heart begins with me, and where I am with our Lord, sooner.
Thank you again.