I Thought Marriage Would Cure My Addiction {He Said}

Do you or your spouse struggle with pornography? This inspiring story chronicles the challenges of one couple who struggled with their sex life and subsequent pornography addiction. Marriage is not the cure for pornography addiction. Read what set this couple free and and the transformation that took place in their marriage.

At twenty-two years old I found myself standing at the end of an aisle watching the most beautiful woman walking toward me in a pure white dress that matched the purity in her heart.  My biggest prayer was about to be answered: God was gifting me a wife.

Growing up, I became addicted to pornography and I always believed that one day when I got married that addiction would disappear. I prayed everyday for God to prepare me and my future bride. I even remember telling God that I didn’t care who it was as long as we would have a good sex life. Looking back I laugh because these two things (sex and addiction) would become the most difficult and heart-crushing areas of my marriage.

I was giddy with excitement about what was about to take place on our honeymoon; I mean, I had been anticipating this moment for pretty much my whole life. We were both virgins and had no idea what to expect other than it might hurt at first, and then we would have sex all the time. Whenever we wanted. (This is what culture had told me anyway.)

The pain my wife experienced in the beginning was the only thing that met our expectations. I remember being very calm and gentle, whispering in my new bride’s ear, “It will be better soon, this is only temporary.” I told her I would be patient and go as slow as she needed. What we didn’t know then is that this would be our story for the next four years of our marriage.

We couldn’t have sex!

One week turned into two weeks and then a month, and then a year… and before we knew it we were a few years into marriage with a burden bearing us down, stealing our joy.

Each and every time we attempted intercourse, my wife experienced physical pain.  Instead of saying, “Do you want to have sex?” we started saying, “Do you want to try again tonight?”


This marriage was supposed to cure me and fulfill me. Instead, it became a daily reminder that I was broken and couldn’t have something for which I had been waiting so long.

My prayers to God turned to questions like, “Is this punishment for my addiction?” and “Why won’t You heal us?”

The lack of sex in our marriage left me vulnerable to find fulfillment elsewhere: pornography. I hid my sin of lust for a while, but it led me to stop pursuing my wife romantically, isolating my heart from hers. Our marriage was crumbling, and I knew my sin was a contributing factor. I had to tell her, yet fear hindered me so many times. I was scared of causing her more pain.

I remember the times the Lord convicted my heart so strongly I could not avoid it. I told my wife how I had sinned against her. Sometimes she would yell at me, sometimes she just cried. I felt horrible. However, telling my wife was the best thing I could have done. Instead of continuing to pull farther away from her, telling her set me free from the shame I carried because of the powerful grace and forgiveness she gave me.

God used my wife to help set me free from my addiction, even when we could not fulfill each other sexually. My wife and I prayed over this area of my life. We read books together on it, and we discussed my progress regularly. She kept me accountable and pointed me to Christ in the lowest times of my life.

And then, around year four of our marriage, God healed us and saved us from our sexual struggle. You can read my wife’s story to hear more about that.

I praise God everyday for the transformation in our sex life, but moreso I thank Him for allowing us to endure such a hardship because I confidently believe it was because we went through a sexless drought that I was able to confront and overcome my addiction to pornography.

The cure was not getting married; the cure was surrendering to God and believing that He could set me free. And the hardship we faced forced me to do just that.

If you are encountering a hardship in your marriage, whether it is with sex, finances, physical limitations, communication, addiction – anything –  consider how God might be allowing you to endure it so that you lean on Him more than ever before.

Ask Him to reveal to you if there is any other part of your life in need of transformation. I believe He will be there for you and show you what you really need.

– Aaron Smith    HusbandRevolution.com

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  1. Hi there! Great article. I saw that you mentioned your wife held you accountable as you were healing from your addiction. That is one thing my husband and I have been trying to figure out how to do. He believes having his accountability group of guys (who meets once a week) is best to talk to on a regular basis, allowing them hold him accountable. At the same time, he will talk to me about it as well but not on a daily/weekly basis. Thoughts on that? I’ve heard before that it is better not to have your wife as an actual accountability partner. Thanks!

    1. Hi Danielle,
      My husband has the same struggles and for years we’ve been trying to work out the best accountability.
      I don’t think a wife should be the sole accountability partner, there are too many emotions involved! However, I believe wives can be supportive in prayer and hold their husbands accountable in tangible ways: the Internet, TV, etc.
      A man who is struggling with sex addiction needs the wisdom from other men who have walked before him. He needs guys who will hold him accountable for his thoughts and actions.
      This article makes it seem so easy for someone to give up addiction, it’s wildly misleading. However, wives can help in the healing process but the first step is for US is to reach out to other wives and understand the disease, and understand the past hurts and pain that is causing the addiction!
      Hope this helps!

  2. What if there’s nothing wrong with the wife: she’s healthy, feels comfortable with her body, doesn’t feel any pain or shame, is open to experiments, loves sex with her husband, and would do it every day, if the time would allow it….but for some reason the husband doesn’t want her anymore and she is going crazy trying to figure out why. His explanation is stress but it’s been going on for way too long to be just that. What should she do?

  3. My husband and I have sex 5+ times a week and this week I just discovered the porn he was viewing. We have been married a litle over a year. I was very graciois the first time discovered it, telling him that it hurt and made me feel inadequate and I left it at that. The next day he said it was a one time thing and he doesn’t want to view porn and he doesnt masturbate. I told him I would believe him. The next morning I saw a porno type video that was watched in the middle of night on youtube. I showed him what I found and he got angry with me. He told me that he was allowed to use my phone whenever he wanted so he could make sure I wasn’t hiding anything from him (which I said fine to. Im not hiding anything). He then denied that he watched it and when I asked him to prove it by showing me his youtube history, he said “well, I just click on everything. “. He is at work now and I am so hurt and angry and feeling ugly and undesirable to him. I don’t know how to respond now. I don’t know how to “be” with him when he is home. I know I have to be productive and strong even if I feel like bawling my eyes out or screaming at him for betraying me,…and for how long??? Why am I not enough?? How will I ever be able to be the kind of wife I want to be or even touch him or feel safe or able to be vulnerable with him?? I feel like I just have to ignore him now. Ive asked to have quality time with him and if he wohld want to have more romance in our marriage and any time I have mentioned this over the past 10 months, he gets defensive and refuses. Now I know why. Porn is his new love. How should I respond????

    1. Ali, I’m so sorry! Reading through your comment filled my heart with so much pain for you and every wife who is going through this. It’s also exactly what I’m afraid of. I don’t understand why my husband isn’t constantly after my butt anymore. He used to be crazy about me, just as much as I can’t take my hands off of him. For a few months now he never initiates it anymore and tells me he’s not in the mood or tired if I try. Now, I don’t think he has an affair. He’s a pretty bad liar, he hates drama, and most importantly we’re always together (unless he’s at work, but it’s a guys only office). So your story is exactly what I’m assuming the reason is, since you even still have/had sex like 5 times a week and he still couldn’t resist the temptation. That makes it all the more likely for my husband, who only touches me about once a week. Again, I’m feel so sorry for you and you have every right to be angry and devastated. He will have to earn your trust back.

    2. Now is the time for you to get tough. My husband has been involved with porn too. What I did was contact my pastor and make arrangements for me to speak with him and his wife with or without my husband present. Then when my husband got home from work, I confronted him about what I discovered on the computer, and told him I had an appointment with the pastor with or without him. He went with me, and has taken steps to change.

      Another thing you must be firm on is a filter and some form of accountability. We use Covenant Eyes, and a report periodically gets emailed to our pastor on my husband’s activity. If your husband won’t agree to that, you need to be willing to separate. You can’t let this go on.

      Time for the toughest love you’ve ever dished out! And blessings! God is able to save your marriage!

  4. Powerful! Your testimony is wonderful. I read the wife’s version yesterday and now the husband versions today. We are truly overcomers by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony! God uses us to help others. Our go through is someone else’s breakthrough! Thank you for sharing! God bless your marriage and the many years to come!

  5. I’m going through this with my husband. Its been very difficult, and I’m struggling with having grace and everyday I have to pray for God to give me strength to stay. However, I was given some resources I would like to share as they are helping my husband and I thru this.
    1. An online purity course, its free and biblically based, that helps you to Break the addiction to pornography and it has a companion course to help your wife. http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/way-of-purity/
    2. There is an accountablity app you can download on computer and phone. Its called accountable2you. This has helped to rebuild trust and also.helps me not to worry about what he is doing.

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