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Let’s Talk About Sex: 3 Questions To Get You Started

Although it might make many of us blush, talking about sex is so important to the health of our marriages. If you need help to broach this tender topic, we have some great conversation starters and questions for you and your spouse today!How often do you and your spouse talk about sex?

Sex (and money) is often a lightning rod for marital disagreements. However, we tend to avoid the topic because we often fear having the conversation.

Any discussion on marital sex should start with the premise that God says to not think of our bodies as our own. (1st Cor. 7:4)

This can be challenging in our “me first” culture.  We live in a time where “my” dreams, “my” desires and “my” needs come first. Unfortunately, this worldview reduces sexual intimacy to a personal craving rather than a holy, unifying necessity.

And yes, sex is a necessity – not just for the man or just for the woman – but for the unity of the couple.

Gary Thomas suggests that “sexual desire can knit a man to a woman, or Satan can use it to build an ever-growing reliance outside the home.”

So, if we are serious about building a marriage that remains unified, we must address sexual desire in a marriage.  Therefore, we must be able to talk about sex with our spouse!

My wife and I call those every day things that get in the way of sexual intimacy “sex obstacles.” These are words, phrases or actions that seem harmless but can do damage over time. Do any of these sound familiar?

  • I have a big day tomorrow so I need to get some sleep.
  • I’m going to head back into the office and catch up on some work this evening.
  • It was a rough day. I just need to chill tonight.
  • When the game is finished, I’ll come to bed.
  • I’m just not in the mood. (translation: I’m still annoyed about something you did several days ago)

And, the list goes on.

Each of these hindrances may be valid; however, we need to remove these snags whenever we can.

Desires do not go away with the excuses. In fact, desires multiply.

Couples who aren’t connecting sexually may look to satisfy that desire elsewhere – perhaps through pornography, an emotional affair, or even adultery.

As a result, the fear of not talking about sex has very real consequences.

In our book, Undivided Marriage, we give couples conversation starters to help open up the discussion about sex.  Here are 3 questions to get you started:

 1.  How would you define the sexual health of your marriage? Discuss your different points of view and share with your spouse ways YOU are willing to change to make sex better for your spouse. (remember 1st Cor. 7:4)

 2.  What does having sex communicate to you? In other words, what message is sent when your spouse wants to have sex with you? Explain why this is important.

 3.  What are the common barriers in your marriage that prevent you and your spouse from engaging in sexual intimacy? How can you overcome them?

Too often we have feelings we don’t verbalize which can lead to resentment, anxiety, and even anger. This occurs far too often in our marriages when it comes to sex.

While talking about sex is very important, remember that as your spouse is sharing s/he is emotionally exposed and vulnerable.

The success of any talk depends on encouraging emotional honesty while responding to each other with love.

Now, start talking!

In Christ,


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One Comment

  1. There is a great deal about our created sexual nature that
    has been obscured from us by our unfortunate and misguided participation in the
    effects of original sin. Consider this if you will. Our
    God, by His very nature is that of a creator. Wherever we find Him
    present and recognized by us, He is always in the act of creating, not merely
    for Himself but out of His consummately selfless love for us. With the
    imparting of our sexual nature we have been offered the ability of
    participation in this, God’s most magnificent attribute. In fact it is
    this single attribute about our nature in which is most nearly found the nature of
    our Creator. In addition, the manner in which we were imparted to engage one
    another both physically and spiritually is our unique sharing in the very unity
    and communion which exists between the members of the Holy Trinity. Imagine
    that. This magnificent gift of God is at
    the very heart of our destiny; why we were created by God in the first place.
    The manner in which we engage in this creative communion with our spouses has
    the ability like no other to propel us each into the intimate embrace of God
    when that personal surrender is engaged by participants as one of consummate
    surrender to Him.

    Do you feel that I may be overstating my case a bit? This comes as no surprise. Satan loves nothing more than anything which
    effectively minimizes or impedes our regard for the instruments of communion
    with God. He embodied a vile hatred for
    us, not because we matter all that much to Him but he hates our true nature
    which is that of our Creator. He hates
    us with venomous abandon because we are each so loved by God. Consider for yourself why, within the current
    assault upon human sexuality, so many of us find ourselves almost continuously
    under a relentless barrage of the promotion of corrupt sexual practices which will
    lead with certainty and disastrous results, away from God. These practices lead each cognitively
    corrupt and self absorbed participant as surely away from knowledge of the true
    purpose of our sexual intimacy than any other activity in which human beings
    can engage. The intended purpose of our sexual
    engagement is to participate with our God not only in the creation of children loved
    infinitely by Him but children who will come to exist for love of Him alone. Our sharing with one another in this act is
    our participation in the very communion which binds the Holy Trinity as One God
    allowing us entry into becoming uniquely one with Him. This communion for
    which we are each destined to share with God is one of an unimaginable love of
    Him and therefore of each other. Failing
    our consummate love for Him we may only fail in love for one another.

    Consider for a moment the current universal nature of the determined
    corrupt assault of Satan upon our employment of God’s procreative gifts to us. It is one of coercion in which he seeks to
    corrupt any possibility of our engaging in true intimacy with God. In his contempt for God and for us he further
    employs our own assistance in the contemptuous slaughter of the product of that
    intimacy, our children. Satanic efforts
    at this one aspect of our life with God, our procreative nature, often occur
    nearly to the exclusion of every other of his activities and those of the
    servants of Satan as well . In your enlightened
    regard for what is actually occurring in our midst, you may begin to get just a
    glimpse of how important the determined enemy of God considers this one manner
    of assault upon us above all others. Satan is aware to a degree not even
    the most astute of our churchmen comprehend that this manner of our communion with
    our spouses and with God has the ability to uniquely propel each one of us with
    certainty to Heaven. His efforts at this
    one corruption are frequently his sole determination because this corruption above
    all other transforms our participation in the selflessness of God most
    expeditiously into the worthless and destructive selfishness of men. When danger of Godly and selfless sexual intimacy is observed by Satan which may result in a
    personal and intimate surrender to our Lord and Savior, he understands fully
    that a large majority of his efforts to corrupt must are directed precisely there
    if he is to succeed in his deadly assault. He is aware with an immense
    certainty that most of us are not of how surely our misunderstanding and misuse
    of our procreative nature can propel us toward corrupt denial of our own nature,
    our true destiny with God, and to Hell. Genuine acts and expressions of our
    procreative communion with God fatally impede the efforts of Satan, a prospect
    which terrifies Him. This is why it is so crucially important that we guard at
    all times to never engage in sexual activity even with our spouses except in a
    manner and for a purpose which fosters the surrender of each one of us to
    communion with God alone. We engage in the is magnificent gift of communion with God only as an act of becoming within ourselves the purest and most
    perfect expression of the love for Him for which He created us.

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