The babysitter shows up. You kiss the kids goodnight, flee to the minivan and drive into the sunset—or at least to the nearest Olive Garden. Halfway through the salad and breadsticks you realize you’ve been talking about the kids for the last twenty minutes, and that’s when it hits you.
You have nothing else to talk about.
Discussing the kids on date night isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Your children are a cherished common interest, after all, and sometimes you need to hash out parenting questions and conflicts when the kids aren’t around.
But if that’s all you can find to talk about, it’s time to expand your repertoire.
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. (Ephesians 5:31–32)
Marriage is meant to be a microcosm of the church’s relationship to Jesus. The key to any strong relationship is communication. With Jesus, that means prayer and studying scripture. With a spouse, it means digging beneath the surface of “how was your day” and “Johnny has a field trip tomorrow” until you see the heart underneath.
How?
Try these date night conversation starters for married couples.
1. What do you daydream about?
2. Where do you want to live after we retire?
3. What stresses you out lately?
4. What are your goals for the next year?
5. How can I help you reach them?
6. If you could choose your own name, what would it be? Why?
7. What was your favorite movie when you were a kid?
8. What are your biggest fears?
9. What was your proudest moment?
10. If you could have one super power, what would it be?
11. When you get to heaven, what one question do you want to ask God?
12. What are your favorite memories from childhood?
13. What is the sweetest thing I ever did for you?
14. Describe your dream vacation.
15. What were your favorite TV shows as a kid?
16. Who is your hero?
17. What do you think God looks like?
18. Do you think you’re an optimist or a pessimist, and why?
19. What is your favorite memory from our wedding day?
20. What do you pray about?
My hope is that these questions will lead to more questions and meaningful conversation so that by the end of the evening you and your spouse will leave the dinner table knowing each other more intimately than when you sat down. And hey, what’s the rush? Order dessert. Grab an extra cup of coffee. Keep the conversation rolling as long as you can. The kids won’t mind. On the contrary—they need your strong connection as much as you do.
Blessings,
Becky
I love this list, but have one concern…some questions could open up the existence of a difference in outlook, rather like a crevasse hidden under glacier-ice.
The question “where do you want to live when we retire?” is the salient example for me. It was something my wife and I did not discuss before marriage, and it turned out that our ideas of “retirement” are very, very different. Had I asked the question on a date-night, it could have had some far-reaching consequences, simply arising from the shock of the question introduced abruptly.
Hi, Andrew. True, any number of questions could open a can of worms depending on the uniqueness of each relationship. These are some suggestions to break that glacier ice. What would you add to the list?
I love this list! Because we’re in that all-consuming toddler phase of life, my mind sometimes struggles to come up with topics beyond children(or books, I could talk books for days). And while that’s such a huge part of our lives, we need to think about other things sometimes.
The toddler phase – I can so relate, Amy! God bless you for making your relationship a priority during this crazy time of life. So what’s your latest book recommendation? 😉
Hi Becky!
Hmm…so hard to pick a favorite. Lately I’ve enjoyed Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic. She gives encouraging and insightful advice tucked into short chapters that are great for reading during naptime.
I also recently reread Persuasion. It’s not as famous as Pride and Prejudice or some of Jane Austen’s other novels, but it’s one of my favorites. In Persuasion, Austen is still a keen observer of human nature, but she goes deeper into the emotions of her characters and the result is a very poignant story.
What do you like to read?
Amy, we are instant friends. Jane Austen is my favorite. If you haven’t seen the PBS/BBC adaptation of Persuasion, I recommend it. Their Sense and Sensibility is my favorite, too. I think I’ve read all of Austen’s novels at least twice. But my very favorite book is a Bronte tale… Jane Eyre. Such a beautiful story of redemption. Incidentally, my daughter’s middle name is Jane. 😉
Yay! Another Persuasion fan! I have not seen the PBS/BBC version of Persuasion. I was afraid of disappointment, so I’d skipped it. I’ll have to check it out, though.
I’ve seen the Emma Thompson movie of Sense and Sensibility (and loved it), but not the BBC.
Oh, and Jane Eyre. That’s another book I love. It’s been ages since I last read it, but I’ve enjoyed it every time. So much fun to find another book loving friend online! Hope you have a great week!
If God gave you the ability to cure one disease (or disability), what would it be?
My husband and I have hardly ever been on a date. I feel guilty leaving our kids behind. Then when we do, we tend to annoy one another and cut it short, very short!