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What Your Spouse Needs Most

Do you know what your spouse needs most from you? What if there was one thing you could do that would change everything else about your relationship and build hope into their lives? The secret is out and we're sharing it with you today!Your spouse may not realize what he or she needs most, but if you want a sacred marriage, you have to focus on what he or she will profit from the most. Jesus didn’t always give people what they wanted or asked for. He gave them what they needed.

If we want to love like Jesus, we have to do the same. I want to be so bold as to tell you what your spouse needs most.

It’s not a regular date night (though I’m a huge fan of these).

It’s not even a satisfying sexual relationship.

It’s not love notes placed around the house or office.

It’s not morning coffee or monthly flowers or dark chocolate or a new grill.

One of the best ways to cherish our spouse is by affirming God’s love for them and regularly planting that truth in their hearts and minds. The best life possible means living in constant remembrance of the simple truth of Christianity: though we are deeply loved by God, we were once separated by our own sin and won back through the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Now in Christ, grace covers everything. God is our spouse’s “physician,” not their “judge,” and He treats them accordingly.

It should be our pleasure to remind our spouses of this truth and invite him or her to walk in the freedom, joy, and peace of grace.

Someone who “gets” this truth and lives by it is able to love you better and will actually depend on your less (“We love because he first loved us” 1 John 4:19). They’ll keep first things first and be much happier accordingly. It will change your marriage in more ways than you can count. 

Their Worst Enemy

What I’m about to say is also true of many men, but it may be especially true of many wives: they brush the teeth of their own worst enemy every day. They are so hard on themselves that they’ve essentially become an enemy to their own happiness. With earnest hearts, the standard they’ve set up for themselves and their refusal to embrace grace is such that no one criticizes them more than they do.

Husbands, if you’re married to such a woman, you need to be a dissenting and persistent voice counter-balancing all that stuff with God’s forgiveness, pardon, affirmation, acceptance, and lavishly undeserved love. One “lecture” or sermon is like placing a drop of dye in the ocean and expecting the Atlantic to turn purple. It takes a steady stream of spiritual encouragement to color a wife’s soul.

Remind your spouse of how God viewed Rahab. She was a prostitute, a liar, and her own countrymen could have called her a traitor. Have you ever asked yourself why she was so quickly able to hide Israel’s spies from her own countrymen? Might it not have been because a prostitute back then had to be very adept at hiding men when their wives or male relatives came looking for them? It’s not a coincidence that she immediately knew where two men could quickly and effectively hide. She had experience in the worst sort of way, yet God used that experience in the best kind of way—accomplishing His plan for Israel. And so God commends her as a “woman of faith” who gave a hospitable welcome to Israel’s spies (Heb. 11:31). She is commended for hiding two men, not condemned for sleeping with a hundred.

Your wife might have made some really bad choices as a single woman; but God the creator can use that experience to help her make some really wise choices as a married woman. She’s no longer defined by a broken past; she’s defined by a presently empowering God who gives her certain hope for the future.

Wives, consider, in addition to Rahab, Noah. He once drank so much he literally passed out and then cursed one of his sons out of his own embarrassment. Yet God declared him to be “an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.” (Heb. 11:7)

Can you, will you, speak so highly of a forgiven husband you once (or many times) found passed out drunk? Will you define your husband as God does, or as sin does?

We could also remember Job who, let’s be honest (just read his own words), murmured against God, cursed the day he was born, certainly complained, and seemed very impatient in the face of his maladies, yet how does God’s word describe him? “Remember the patience of Job.” (James 5:11)

The patience of Job. That’s how God remembers him.

If you’re in Christ and if your spouse is in Christ, God doesn’t see your worst or even most petty sins. He sees Christ in you. Consequently, He sees the faith you’ve exercised. He sees the good works you’ve done. He sees the glory that He put in you by His Holy Spirit. He defines you by the good and the glory that is there only because He is there, but you get the credit all the same.

I want you and your spouse to walk in the joy of forgiveness and grace, your rightful excitement that, as a child of God, forgiven by Christ and empowered by the Holy Spirit, everything bad you’ve done is forgotten—gone!—and everything good is celebrated and remembered.

Speak these words of God’s acceptance and affirmation to each other. These truths never get old; we need to be reminded of them every day, sometimes many times a day. The best gift we can give our spouses and children is the assurance of the Gospel (i.e., the “Christian truth” we explained earlier).

More precious than a pure gold necklace; more lovely than diamond earrings, more beautiful than two dozen roses and more refreshing than an iced tea on a hot summer day is to proclaim the truth, glory and pardon of God’s Gospel message to your spouse.

Here’s the side benefit: A joyful person walking in grace and hope can love much more than one who is tangled up with the guilt that Christ died to remove. Our guilt serves no one. In Christ, our self-condemnation offends God, it doesn’t please Him. To walk in condemnation is to call God a liar, and Christ’s work insufficient. One of the worst sins you could commit as a Christian is to define yourself by your sin.

When our guilt has been dealt with, definitively and powerfully; when our acceptance has been declared by an authority that far exceeds our own; then, finally, we can embrace something far superior to “you’re special.” We can embrace “you’re forgiven, adopted, and secure. You’re cherished.”

            Remind your spouse of that precious truth. In the dark days and cold nights, don’t let them forget the spiritual riches they enjoy.

            It’s what your spouse needs most and what you’ll benefit from the most.

Blessings,

Gary Thomas, GaryThomas.com 

            My new book, Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage, out this month, suggests that this “Gospel message” is the best platform out of which we can build and maintain a cherishing marriage. You can read more about Cherish here: http://www.garythomas.com/books/cherish/

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One Comment

  1. Many thanks to Gary for this is immensely powerful and moving piece. I have not read his other writings but I surely will and I bet they are similarly magnificent. I would however like to amplify upon one reference in particular contained herein since for me, its meaning has been one of the most crucial in the establishment and development of my life’s encounter with God. His statement is this: “God is our spouse’s “physician,” not their “judge,”” and the reference of concern is the one identifying our God as our physician. I would also point out that this is a common metaphor he employs obviously to make a valid point. There appears to be a recognition that this description of God, while accurate, is a gross understatement of the true disposition of our Creator toward us even though this same metaphor also arises prominently in scripture.

    (I should note here that the words “physician” and “judge” are placed between quotes in the text by the author in apparent recognition by him that our Father and Savior are, in their persons, exponentially beyond what these terms are capable of conveying but at the same time convey genuine attributes of God even though they do so imprecisely. If this is so, my conviction is that Gary is entirely correct in his employment of them but I would suggest that their meanings need to be addressed with further precision if these their meanings are not to be misconstrued in the context of all the other excellent points he makes.)

    I have to admit reading these few seemingly innocuous words pushed a huge button in me. Knowledge of the actual meaning of the word physician, when employed in the description of our communion with God, has been of immense import not only in my two marriages, but in my lifelong pursuit of the knowledge of how we are each actually regarded by our most magnificent Benefactor. My concern with its employment here addresses its use to describe our true intended relationship with God. I have encountered this expression in various forms, repeatedly in Christian teaching throughout my life. I have also found that employment of the reference to Jesus as our physician can be deceptively easy to misunderstand and can easily lead us and those we love away from true knowledge of how we are regarded by our Father, rather than toward Him.

    Our frequent reference to Jesus as a physician and healer implies that He is the supreme healer of all that ails us as individuals and as a race, and so He is. Unfortunately, it also implies that those of us who have entered into the true benefit of Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection are viewed by our Father as less than restored to the full perfection of our sonship in Christ.
    Have you ever encountered the false declaration by fellow Christians that with respect to God that “We are all works in progress”? That’s right, with respect to our communion with God this statement is patently and demonstrably false. It rightly alludes to the “While we are yet sinners” aspect of the salvation act but ignores the consummate perfection of the communion with God into which we have entirely been restored. It implies falsely that we are viewed by our Father as as having been less than fully restored to Him with respect to our salvation. Further, it implies that we, as individuals who have entered a communion of consummate love with God, are viewed by Him as somehow less than the entirely beloved and perfected sons, daughters, and saints we are. We reside in the perfection into which we have been fully enabled by our Savior.

    When we received Jesus into our hearts, we became in the view of our Father, not merely emulators of Him, but full participants in the sonship of His Son
    Jesus. Ours is precisely the same communion of consummate love by and for the Father that Jesus shares with the Him for the entire expanse of eternity. If we regard ourselves as mere works in progress instead of embracing fully the result of the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus, there will exist in us an unnatural and unnecessary desire to attain justification by our actions of what was tendered to us as a free gift by our Beloved Father through the sacrifice of His Son. We have been acclaimed, once and for all, by our Savior to the Father as being the restored perfect sons and daughters He created. Our full embrace of this result of Jesus’s sacrifice is the commencement of our full entry into eternity with God. His regard for our perfected state does not mean that we no longer need to embrace sanctity. Far from it. It means that genuine sanctity becomes for each of us the result of our embrace restored “proximity” to God and our disposition of being sustained personally in the graciousness to our beloved Creator. Instead of the driving force in our lives being our desire for a mere shadow of genuine sanctification, i.e. our good behavior, our passionate desire becomes one of loving, pleasing, and adoration of
    God. From this alone does genuine sanctity in our lives, and those of our spouses result.

    I make my point at such length because if, with our actions or words we convey to our spouses, even in ignorance, that they are less than the impeccable beloved of Christ that they are, we will have subverted a knowledge so crucial to their embrace of the unqualified love of God for them that an immense impediment to communion Him will surely result. We must be sustained in conveying to our spouses with our actions and words, our declaration that the perfection of Christ is consummately resident within them and that they are loved by us without qualification as He loves them. As such, we further enable their conviction that they are perfectly immersed in the love of our Savior. Our actions and words must assure them that we, as their spouses, regard nothing except Christ’s perfection in our embrace of them because as their husbands or wives we are full participants in the unqualified love of our
    Savior for them.

    Many thanks to Gary for this is immensely powerful and moving piece. I have not read his other writings but I surely will and I bet they are similarly

    magnificent. I would however like to amplify upon one reference in particular contained herein since for me, its meaning has been one of the most crucial in

    the establishment and development of my life’s encounter with God. His statement is this: “God is our spouse’s “physician,” not their “judge,”” and the

    reference of concern is the one identifying our God as our physician. I would also point out that this is a common metaphor he employs obviously to make a

    valid point. There appears to be a recognition that this description of God, while accurate, is a gross understatement of the true disposition of our

    Creator toward us even though this same metaphor also arises prominently in scripture.
    (I should note here that the words “physician” and “judge” are placed between quotes in the text by the author in apparent recognition by him that our

    Father and Savior are, in their persons, exponentially beyond what these terms are capable of conveying but at the same time convey genuine attributes of God

    even though they do so imprecisely. If this is so, my conviction is that Gary is entirely correct in his employment of them but I would suggest that their

    meanings need to be addressed with further precision if these their meanings are not to be misconstrued in the context of all the other excellent points he

    makes.)

    I have to admit reading these few seemingly innocuous words pushed a huge button in me. Knowledge of the actual meaning of the word physician, when employed

    in the description of our communion with God, has been of immense import not only in my two marriages, but in my lifelong pursuit of the knowledge of how we

    are each actually regarded by our most magnificent Benefactor. My concern with its employment here addresses its use to describe our true intended

    relationship with God. I have encountered this expression in various forms, repeatedly in Christian teaching throughout my life. I have also found that

    employment of the reference to Jesus a our physician can be deceptively easy to misunderstand and can easily lead us and those we love away from true

    knowledge of how we are regarded by our Father, rather than to Him.
    Our frequent reference to Jesus as a physician and healer implies that He is the supreme healer of all that ails us as individuals and as a race, and so He

    is. Unfortunately, it also implies that those of us who have entered into the true benefit of Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection are viewed by our Father as

    less than restored to the full perfection of our sonship in Christ.
    Have you ever encountered the false declaration by fellow Christians that with respect to God that “We are all works in progress”? That’s right, with

    respect to our communion with God this statement is patently and demonstrably false. It rightly alludes to the “While we are yet sinners” part of our

    communion with God but ignores the consummate perfection of the communion itself into which we have entirely entered with God. It implies falsely that we

    are viewed by our Father as a work in progress with respect to our salvation and that we, as individuals who have entered a communion of consummate love with

    God, are viewed as somehow less than the beloved sons, daughters, and saints who reside in the perfection, to which we have been restored, of our Savior,

    When we received Jesus into our hearts, we became in the view of our Father, not merely emulators of Him, but full participants in the sonship of His Son

    Jesus. Ours is precisely the same communion of consummate love by and for the Father that Jesus shares with the Him for the entire expanse of eternity. If

    we regard ourselves as mere works in progress instead of embracing fully the result of the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus, there will exist in us an

    unnatural and unnecessary desire to attain justification by our actions of what was tendered to us as a free gift by our Beloved Father through the sacrifice

    of His Son. We have been acclaimed, once and for all, by our Savior to the Father as being the restored perfect sons and daughters He created. Our full

    embrace of this result of Jesus’s sacrifice is the commencement of our full entry into eternity with God. His regard for our perfected state does not mean

    that we no longer need to embrace sanctity. Far from it. It means that genuine sanctity becomes for each of us the result of our embrace restored

    “proximity” to God and our disposition of being sustained personally in the graciousness to our beloved Creator. Instead of the driving force in our lives

    being our desire for a mere shadow of genuine sanctification, i.e. our good behavior, our passionate desire becomes one of loving, pleasing, and adoration of

    God. From this alone does genuine sanctity in our lives, and those of our spouses result.

    I make this point so emphatically and laboriously because if, with our actions or words we convey to our spouses, even in ignorance, that they are less than

    the impeccable beloved of Christ that they are, we will have subverted a knowledge so crucial to their embrace of the unqualified love of God for them that

    an immense impediment to communion Him will surely result. We must be sustained in conveying to our spouses with our actions and words, our declaration

    that the perfection of Christ is consummately resident within them and that they are loved by us without qualification as He loves them. As such, we further

    enable their conviction that they are perfectly immersed in the love of our Savior. Our actions and words must assure them that we, as their spouses,

    regard nothing except Christ’s perfection in our embrace of them because as their husbands or wives we are full participants in the unqualified love of our

    Savior for them.

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