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Helping Your Teens Understand the Importance of a Biblical View of Sexuality, Sex, and Purity

Helping Your Teens Understand the Importance of a Biblical View of sexuality, sex and purityIt seems our children are facing decisions about sex at an earlier and earlier age.  If you aren’t discussing purity, modesty, and wisdom around sexuality before middle school you are likely are late to the conversation. 

This is particularly written for parents with teens but depending on your context it could be used to start a conversation with your grade-school child.  Obviously, you know your child and when and how you approach this is up to you.  You likely also know that other sources are informing our kids even at a young age. If they are in front of a screen during prime time, or with access to the internet for any amount of time they are being exposed to sexual innuendo, same-sex propaganda, and sometimes graphic images we might not even know about. In school and with peers they are tempted to fit in which includes pressure to date, to talk about and/or experiment sexually, and compete for attention on social media. 

It is not our job to police every conversation or moment in front of a screen, but it is our job to disciple our children in a biblical worldview that includes their sexuality.  In fact, the bible has a lot to say about sex and sexuality. 

I want to share 5 things I believe a parent can share with their son or daughter hopefully before others wrongly inform their thinking or they get to the age it is so awkward they won’t listen.  But no matter how the conversation goes, it is worth having. 

Our bodies were created to glorify God (1 Corinthians 6:12-20; Matthew 5:27-30)

We were created with a specific gender and specific sexuality when we were knitted in our mother’s womb (Gen 1: 27; Psalm 139: 13-15). We were made to worship God and if we do not, we will worship something else.  We will trade worship of the creator for the created (Rom 1: 22-23).  Helping our kids to see the beauty of our body made in the image of God and dedicated to being used for God keeps us from making all about the prohibitions around premarital sex.  Avoiding the subject or speaking in an overly prude manner about sex with your child won’t be helpful.  A just say no approach is naïve and potentially harmful (Col 2: 20-23). 

We should celebrate God’s intended purposes for sexual pleasure and procreation between a man and a woman inside marriage but be clear with our kids that Scripture says any other sexual behavior is sin.  When we see something on television or the internet that gives us the opportunity to discuss the stark difference between the world’s view of sex and God’s intended purposes, we need to wade into that as an opportunity.  

Pursuing purity means submitting your desires to God (James 1:12-15).

It is important that kids understand that temptation is normal, but it is not something to give in to or blame others for.  Self-responsibility and admitting that sin starts with our own desires that are not submitted to God is a huge lesson for children and young adults.  A good word picture is that of a trout in a stream.  The fly fisherman tempts the fish with an artificial lure.  The smart trout swim away, others have to nibble at it but quickly see it is there only to entice and then hook them, but some just bite anyway.  They are dragged away and eventually killed.  Think of the parallels of that picture with the pornography epidemic in our world today.  Help your kids to discern evil, turn away from temptation and fight giving in to sexual desires that will grieve God.  They will need to hide his word in their hearts (Psalm 119:11) and pray regularly to guard their hearts as they submit to God’s word regarding purity (Prov 4:23). 

Sex before marriage ruins relationships (2 Samuel 13: 1-19).

According to Scripture any sex outside of marriage is perverted.  In the bible, the Greek word is “pornea”.  A graphic example is the story of Tamar and Amnon in the book of second Samuel.  Here a young man becomes obsessed with the beauty of his half-sister. He deceived her and then rapes her.  She appeals to him to marry her, so she is not shamed.  He is disdainful after taking her and rejects her.  It is an outrageous thing that started with a simple uncontrolled desire.  Some commentators think the generational sin comes from David lusting after Bathsheba and taking her to his bed chambers even though he knew she was married to Uriah.  This sin leads to murder, and generations of sin and relational pain.  More contemporary examples abound.  By middle school, most kids realize that the drama and rejection that makes that time of life so hard has something to do with kids using each other, gossip about who likes who, dating to feel significance, trying to gain popularity in the wrong ways, and relationships turning physical and then becoming hurtful or ending abruptly. 

Giving in to sexual temptation creates an appetite for more (Ephesians 4:17-19).

The thing about lust is it is never satisfied.  It actually is like feeding a fire more gas every time you give into your flesh (Rom 13:14).  Helping your kids see the slippery slope of lust and the cycle of sin and regret it creates may be a bit uncomfortable to talk about but more and more necessary.  With the pedophiles and sex trafficking going on in our world it is not hard to point to the extremes sexual immorality leads to.  Who sat in kindergarten and thought they would be a sexual predator?  Who posted a picture planning to be stalked by a predator on the internet who posed as a peer but was grooming a child for their own selfish pleasure?  Who looked at internet porn for the first time and thought they would likely get addicted and have to tell my future spouse they will probably have trouble being satisfied in the marriage bed?  We want to spare our children this future and while not a guarantee, lovingly warning them and taking them to passages to see the consequence of unchecked lust can go a long way to keep them on the right path (2 Samuel 11-12). 

Confess your struggles to a trusted friend or adult, secrets give power to the evil one (Proverbs 28:13)

It has been said that you are only as sick as your secrets.  There may be a time for confidences between friends but unconfessed sin weighing on the conscious of a child can harden the heart, bring about shame, and lead to a deep depression.  Another way to think about it is that unconfessed sin gives Satan power to keep you in the dark (Eph 5: 8-11).  This only breeds more shame, more room for sin to grow, and more of a double life.  Confession and repentance won’t come if we don’t give our kids a safe place to talk about their struggles, what other kids are saying about sex that is inappropriate, and what they are exposed to as they search the web. Most of us have a hard time talking about sex based on our upbringing but in this day and age, we must overcome it, get educated, and bring the Scripture to bear on this important subject for the sake of the next generation.   Give your son or daughter a place where they can get a proper biblical understanding, ask questions, and admit struggles.  Pray for them, reason with them in the Word, or you run the risk of leaving them to be taught by a world that is obsessed, perverted and deeply broken sexually. 

Here are a few tips to get you started:

Establish a “no penalty zone” to confess the struggles and get right (obviously, there may be consequences to some behaviors but there is no condemnation or judgment).

Develop a plan to pursue Christ not just avoid sin (purity is a mindset found from abiding in Christ).

Get filters and accountability software installed on all devices (discuss this with your kids but don’t let inconvenience or their appeals for trust become a way to avoid accountability).

Help them cultivate healthy friendships and proper respect for the opposite sex (help them engage in youth groups, friendships, and healthy social activities instead of more time on social media).    

Consider asking your kids the questions below and have them give you a rating:

  1. How much is lust a problem in your thought life?
  2. How tempting is it in your peer group to talk or act inappropriately?
  3. How willing are you to admit it when you fall and ask for help?

Tammy and I have two teens and a tween right now.  We have not always found it easy to have these conversations but when we pushed through the awkwardness it has been very helpful on all sides. We will pray for you (please pray for us too) and I hope this will lead to some healthy conversations about sex, sexuality, and purity with your sons and daughters!!

Blessings,

Garrett Higbee
soulcareconsulting.com.   

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